Sunday 23 November 2014

Walks into a bar ...

This is a series of rather random 'walks into a bar' jokes. they are the product of boredom and too much hot chocolate. there are many more where that came from. I am most proud of some of the last few. If any of these affect your political sentiment, then remember, ill be in a cave somewhere, rubbing my hands with glee.



Narendra modi walks into a bar. well, not really, since Gujarat is a dry state.

Narenda Modi walks into a bar. well, not really, he, insteadm  talks a lot about building a road towards a bar.

Narendra Modi walks into a bar. He has a rum and coke. this is an insinuation of his religious upbringing and his stance against the free propagation of minority religions in India.

Narenda Modi walks into a bar. After a few shots of jager he walks up to Morgan Freeman and repeatedly shouts, “we need more motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane”

Narendar Modi walks into a bar. Its an iron bar. It strikes a deep wound into his forehead. this is interpreted as karmic justice for evicting tribals in the name of industrial development.

Narendra Modi walks into a bar. Rajdeep Sardesai calls this hypocrisy and brings up the 2002 Godra riots as precedence for Modi’s negligence in government. Not a single fuck is given. Sardesai is a twat.

Narendra Modi walks into a bar. There is wifi. He updates his facebook status. Mark Zuckerberg pretends to care.

Narendra Modi walks into a bar. He sees bottles of carlsberg lying in the corner. his initial reaciton is disgust and derision over the absence of kingfisher from the indian markets. he then proceeds to start a campaign for cleaning

Narendra Modi walks into a bar. This is seen by political parties as a sign of approval towards a drinking culture and ever since, there has been a reduction in interventions from extremist political parties into bars. Haha, lol no.

Narendra Modi walks into a bar. He stays there for three days.

Narendra Modi walks into a bar. This is appeasement to western culture and will not be tolerated. Raj Thackeray is told to shut the fuck up.

Narendra Modi walks into a bar. It is a genuine break from his hardwork on policy matters and economic reformation of the country.



Steve Jobs walks into a bar. The complete setting of the bar counter is changed with the whole establishment having only one central table. Generations will now refer to it as making a dent in the universe.

Atal Behari Vajpayee walks into a bar. With great difficulty.

L.K. Advani walks into a bar. He stays there for a few decades. he was very keen on getting the managerial position, but never quite made it past deputy.

Sonia Manero walks into a bar. A while later she gets a powerful last name. An even longer while later there is economic downfall in the country. (brevity, my friend, brevity!)

Rahul Gandhi walks into a bar. That  empowers women.

Arnab Goswami walks into a bar. Why? The nations, really, no, seriously arnab, the nation, just absolutely, couldn’t give a flying fuck.

Sunday 15 June 2014

Exploding Cuttlefish

Ive had my fair share of surrealist humour for a while and the lovely thing is that they just never run out of lobsters. Sorry, I mean telephones. Oh, wait, no, rabbits. Bird. Plane. World Trade Center.

This is the absolute peach of a fact with surrealist material, you can get away with anything. Seriously, you can make fun of a cripple with a speech impediment and it'll soon be a 'classic' as long as you look drunk enough. You can talk about Mother Teresa's lack of engagement with the moisturiser market and it'll seem like fair fiscal analysis, just if it's interspersed with images of Jesus trying to waterski wearing a Borat mankini (tell me you dont want to see that, tell me the three of you trying to read this whilst guzzling mugfuls of rocket fuel).

Don't think I have no idea of sensitivity. I know that the last statement was offensive, to Sasha Cohen fans. And to the producers of the movie, who will probably sue the Catholic Church for trademark infringement. That's really where the political correctness and censorship of comedy debate should move towards, more sketches and stand-up that look like the creators were on shrooms sold to them by Speedy Gonzalves (that, is NOT, racial stereotyping).

The other thing appealing about surrealism is that you have a bizarre self-critical process. Laughs are no longer based on being edgy, clever puns, observational dexterity (felt like a fancy phrase). Now its just, hey, how crazy a thing can you say. The trade-off is that you say the craziest possible thing that nobody latches onto it and you are sent to an asylum (the only policy to stop Robert Rankin from flooding bookstore with anti-hamster propaganda), but you take a while and few genocides to get that cuckoo. Most of the time you are just writing about cats in jetpacks discovering prescription medicine for Alzheimer's patients.

If by now you are a tiny bit lost, then its fine. The whole point of the rest of the post was to make the 9/11 joke go down with more ease. And it wasnt a good joke to begin with so it took 2 paragraphs of uninhibited nonsense to wash it down. I guess sometimes I just never know when to stop. Hence, Im qualified to write How I Met Your Mother.

The point I've tried to make poorly is that if you want to tell people a thing they really dont want to hear, then sandwich it between many things they really don't care to understand. Then by the time they've realised what the actual subject matter is, its three weeks later and they're in a laundromat with instructions to the dryer written in Swahili, and they might just think you have a point. So the real question I'm trying to ask is, do you get extra air miles for flying on september 11?

Wednesday 11 June 2014

12 reasons why this listing business is a bit much

This is rant. Although, if i need a disclaimer, this probably isnt a very convincing rant (clearly, im no John Oliver). again, if you came here for a list, you are going to be disappointed on several different levels (then, you have material to write '39 ways in which people misuse the word "meta"' or whatevs else). But, seriously, that phenomenon, if anybody can care is getting a bit out of hand. And sometimes, even cracked.

The whole purpose of listing was to somehow have a tangible connection between people. to give the reader a 'ah, even other people have this issue' feeling and not 'who the hell are these people'. Exhibit A: 29 things only people with glasses go through. TWENTY NINE! TWENTY NINE! holy shit, they are glasses not the philosopher's stone. And the sheer inanity dripped from these random tidbits with badly placed gifs of Deepika Padukone doing a fantastic llama impersonation by just being.

I think (because by this point, dear reader, you might have realized that accuracy or any form of coherence is forbidden in the post. Ooh, look rabbit!), one of the reasons was 'you get called chashmish'. well, no. on account of not being born in 'kuchh kuchh hota hai', i havent been referred to as 'chashmish'. no. just, ok, no. Another was that the world looks blurred when you take them off. Well, wasnt that clever. Thats just a description of the basic functions of glasses. Nothing special, seriously, not even an extra X chromosome (thats a very roundabout dark joke, if I was famous, I might have had protests outside my house)

But annoying gifs and obvious descriptions aside, this format is least conducive to chuckles or whatever you go there looking for. The ones with specific locations or particular movies is just pointless. Those who've seen said movie/are from place mentioned will find these obnoxiously tedious and others have no idea of the context.

Alright, so rather scattered rant over. This was very futile indeed. And i dont even have a video of tiny hampsters eating tiny burritos to compensate for this. Drat!